Message:   Joe's favorite Australian jokes

From: Joe     Sent: 5 Dec. 2000     Message 1 of 1

Joe's favorite Australian jokes

From "The Penguin Book of Australian Jokes", collected by Phillip Adams and Patrice Newell, ISBN 0-14-016888-5.

Dave was going to marry Mabel, so he went down to Melbourne to book a room for the wedding night. He found a pub he liked, in he went, in high spirits, very jaunty. "Gidday. I'd like to book a room for me honeymoon night, luv."
"Yes," said the female receptionist, "bridal suite?"
"Ahh, no thanks dear, I'll just hang onto her ears."

"What's the meaning of indecent?" the shearer asked his mate.
"Well," replied his companion, "I'd say if it was long enough, thick enough, hard enough and in far enough, it'd be in decent."

A city boy was sent to the country to spend a holiday on his bushwhacker uncle's farm. When he returned home he was bubbling over with news of everything he'd seen. His mum asked him to name all his uncle's animals. "Well, I saw horses and pigs and some bulls and cows and some fuckers."
"Some fuckers?"
"Well, Uncle Harry called them 'effers but I knew what he meant."

A Pommy businessman was visiting Germany. He was alone and lonely in the lounge after work when a stunning Fräulein approached him, offering company. They dined together and his melancholy mood began to lift. He offered, she accepted, coffee and liqueur in the anteroom. He invited her to his suite for port and she came willingly. He proposed an even better remedy for loneliness and she complied. The next morning he was profusely thankful. "You've been so kind to me," he said, "can I offer you some money? Perhaps 50 or 60 pounds?"
She said, "That would be nice, but I'd prefer Marks."
"How spiffing of you," said the Pommy, "I'd say about seven out of ten."

How do French women hold their liquor?
By the ears.

During a goodwill mission to Japan, a high-ranking Australian senator was shown over a factory manufacturing televisions. Pleasantly surprised at the number of employees who spoke English he stopped behind a young girl who was soldering.
"And what do you use for flux?" he asked.
The girl looked at him in surprise. "Plicks, of course," she answered.

There's a sign outside a Queensland garage, "Fill up and get a free fuck." A man fills up and says, "Well?"
The attendant says, "Law says there's got to be a little competition. Think of a number."
"Eight."
"Bad luck, it's nine."
The man drives off, stops at the next pub, orders a drink and says to a bloke standing at the bar, "That garage down the road - it's a bloody take. Sign says 'Fill up and get a free fuck' and it's all bullshit."
The bloke says, "No, mate, you're wrong. It's fair dinkum. Ridgy-didge. No worries. My wife won twice last month."

What's a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

The Dowager rings for her butler and asks him to:
"Please take off my dress."
"Please take off my petticoat."
"Please take off my bra."
"Please take off my panties."
All of her requests are answered by a respectful, "Yes, Ma'am."
Finally she says, "And Jeeves, if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be sacked."

Two old codgers took their wives along to the ladies' night at their very exclusive club. They chose the club's specialty from the menu - thick blue boiler pea soup made with lashings of ham from the bone. An hour later the inevitable happened. One of the gentlemen emitted a sound from his nether regions which would have been described in less-refined circles as a massive "Doris Hart".
"I say, old boy," said his startled club mate, "not in front of my wife."
"Terribly sorry, old chap," said the contrite offender. "I wasn't aware it was her turn!"

The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
"After I have zee sex wiz my wife," said the Frenchman, "I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed."
"When I screw my wife," drawled the Canadian, "I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She's in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed."
"Me?" says the Aussie, "When I've finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!"

A very rich and respected Toorak lady held a tea party for her rich and influential friends, and ate more cucumber sandwiches than was good for her. During one of the silences that happen in even the best of parties, a colossal breaking of wind came from the hostess's direction. Never one to be easily embarrassed, she quickly said to her butler, "James, stop that immediately!"
The butler turned slowly and replied in his most superior voice, "Certainly madam, which way did it go?"

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?
You don't take her out again.

A duck walks into a chemist. "Give us a jar of Vaseline," it quacks.
"That'll be five dollars," says the chemist, without batting an eye.
"Put it on my bill, please."
"Certainly, sir. Anything else?"
"Yeah, give me a packet of condoms, too."
"Yes, sir. Shall I put them on your bill?"
"No thanks. I'm not that kind of duck."

A bloke blundered into a pub in tow with an emu and a cat. He ordered a beer, a vodka and a rum and the three sat at a table. Shortly after, the emu went to the bar and re-ordered, then returned to the table. This happened several times. The barman scratched his head, wondering why the cat didn't buy a shout. So, the next time the bloke fronts up the barman asks, "Hey, why isn't the cat buying?"
The man sort of smirks, saying, "It's a long yarn. Y'see, I found this vase, rubbed it and a genie pops out. The genie says "Okay, you got me out. So what do you want?" Well, like any normal bloke, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

The circus advertised for a new lion tamer and had two applicants - a young woman, and an old man. The circus manager decided to test their skills with the lion so he first asked the young woman to show him what she could do. She entered the cage, removed all her clothes and the lion walked up and nuzzled her bare legs. The astonished circus owner then said to the old man, "Can you do that?"
"You're damned right I can," said the old man, "just get that lion out of there first."

As the golfer trudged towards the 19th hole at the Royal Melbourne, he muttered, "That was my worst game ever."
To which the caddy replied, "You mean you've played before?"

A husband and wife were playing golf together when, unfortunately, the husband smashed a ball straight into her face. Panic-stricken he ran to the club house for a doctor.
"Doctor, come quickly... my wife's been hit by a golf ball."
"Where was she hit?" asked the Doc.
"Between the first and second holes," gasped the man.
"Oh dear," replied the doctor, "that won't leave much room for bandages."

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Senator Bishop?
Because it saves time.

A traveller arrives at a country pub hot and very dusty. He orders a meal and a glass of water. After a while the meal arrives but not the water. "What do you do to get a glass of water in this dump?" says the traveller.
The cook replies, "Well, you could try setting fire to yourself."

A girl invited a country boy to her flat for a drink where she introduced him to the ins and outs of carnality. He stayed the night and in the morning she said, "How about some money?"
"Oh, no thanks. You've been too kind already."

Three young fellows from Brisbane were really close mates. They all went to Brisbane State High School, did their apprenticeships together at Evans Deakin and played League for Easts. They met their girlfriends one weekend at the Gold Coast and eventually decided on a joint wedding ceremony and honeymoon at Brampton Island, where they had adjoining units.
After checking-in, they went to their units to change for a swim. When the first bloke's wife undressed she revealed herself a bit on the undernourished side. "Gawd," cried her husband, "haven't you got small tits - I didn't realise you were so skinny!"
"What a rotten thing to say," she cried, "And on our wedding day, too. Leave me alone. Get out!" So he went out onto the patio and had a smoke.
In the second unit, the wife also undressed, but she was a bit on the generous side. "Bloody hell," cried hubby, "I didn't realise you were fat. You kept that lot covered all right."
"You beast," she screamed, "what a thing to say on our wedding day. Get out!" Husband number two joined number one on the patio.
Shortly, they were joined by number three. "Ah," cried the first two together, "you must have put your foot in it!"
"No, I didn't," said number three. "But I could have."

The Admiral took his daughter aside on her wedding eve and said gruffly, "Mavis, I've never advised you on sex since your mother died, but I feel that as you're marrying a sailor I must say just one thing. Let him do anything he likes, but if ever he asks you to do it 'the other way' don't let him." Even though the daughter did not know what he meant, she promised to follow his advice.
The couple were married and had a blissfully happy sex life for six months. But all this time Mavis had "the other way" in the back of her mind. One evening she blurted out, "Please Jack, let's do it the other way tonight."
Her husband looked at her incredulously. "What," he said, "and risk having babies!"

Why are all dumb-blond jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

A man walked into a rough dockside pub in Port Melbourne and bought a pot of beer. Placing the beer on the table, he went across the room to speak to a friend and returned to his seat to find a monkey astride his glass cooling his testicles in the beer. He went over to the landlord to complain but the landlord said, "The monkey belongs to the pianist, go and tell him."
Aggrieved, the man went over to the pianist and said, "Do you know your monkey's testicles are in my beer?"
Looking through his alcoholic haze, the pianist said, "I don't, mate, but hum a couple of bars and I'll soon pick it up."

A priest and a minister travelling in a plane sat next to each other. After take off, the hostess asked the priest whether he desired a drink. He replied, "Scotch and soda, please".
She asked the minister whether he desired the same. "No thanks," he said, "I'd rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
The priest turned to the hostess and said, "May I change my order? I didn't know that I had such a choice."

A doctor ended an examination of a pregnant woman and asked, "Do you smoke after intercourse?"
"Dunno," she said, "never looked."

A famous movie star was having a medical by a noted gynaecologist. As he poked and prodded he muttered, "Ever had a check up there?"
And she replied, "No dollink, only a Pole and a few Hungarians."

The gynaecologist completed his examination. "I'm sorry, miss, but the removal of that vibrator is going to involve a very delicate operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it, doc," sighed the girl. "Why don't you just replace the batteries?"

Two blokes were talking on the footpath of a small country town, when a funeral cortège went past.
"Who died?" said Bill.
Tom replied, "The bloke in the back, lying down."